www.DavidWilhite.com - fortified with 8 essential witticisms and irony
Welcome to www.DavidWilhite.com  David Wilhite is a part-time writer of fiction, humor, satire, and editorials; and a full-time political critic. The content of this web site represents his views, and his alone. Friends and family will, no doubt, keep their distance from any sentiment expressed here.
— Humor —
Here you'll find jokes, cartoons, anecdotes, and other antidotes for boredom.
Title: A Man Of Faith
Author: David Wilhite, et al.
Category: Humor      Article: humor/008-AManOfFaith
Posted Date: 16-Feb-2008      Created Date: unknown
David's Comments: I don't know where this one came from. I heard it a decade ago. But I've repeated it enough times now that I think I need to put it in writing. Like any of my favorite recipes, I cook this joke from memory, seasoned the way I like it.
Reader Comments: none
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A Man of Faith

A minister awoke one morning to find floodwaters rising around his home.

As he stepped out onto his front porch to survey the situation, he saw that the floodwaters spread around as far as he could see. His own small car was already submerged to the top of the hood, so he knew that he could not save himself. But he did not despair; instead he thought to himself, "I am a man of Faith; God will save me."

So he waited, and prayed.

The floodwaters had risen to the edge of his porch floor, when a police officer came in a four-wheel-drive SUV, and called to him to get inside to be carried to safety.

But the minister called back, "Go and save someone else! I am a man of Faith; God will save me!"

The SUV drove on.

So he waited, and prayed.

The floodwaters had risen to the edge of his roof, and he had climbed up there, when a neighbor came in a motorboat, and called to him to get inside to be carried to safety.

But the minister called back, "Go and save someone else! I am a man of Faith; God will save me!"

The motorboat drove on.

So he waited, and prayed.

The floodwaters had risen to the base of his chimney, and he stood atop it, when a rescue team came in a helicopter, and called to him to get inside to be carried to safety.

But the minister called back, "Go and save someone else! I am a man of Faith; God will save me!"

The helicopter flew on.

So he waited, and prayed ...

... and drowned.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter saw him approaching, and asked him, astonished, "What are you doing here? It's not your time!"

The minister replied, "Well, I prayed for God to help me, but He apparently decided not to."

St. Peter could barely contain his frustration. "We sent an SUV, a motorboat, and a helicopter! What were you expecting?!"

Title: Philosophy Madlibs
Author: David Wilhite, et al.
Category: Humor      Article: humor/007-PhilosophyMadlibs
Posted Date: 10-Nov-2007      Created Date: 26-Oct-2007
David's Comments: We have such respect for the deep thinking ability of the leaders of moral or philosophical movements. But now you can do it yourself! There's no need for introspection or eloquence; just fill in the blanks.
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Philosophy Madlibs

Hey, kids! Create your very own school of philosophy! Just pick your favorite type, and fill in the blanks!

On the Day of Judgment, ______ [deity] will cast all ______ [disliked class of people] into the Lake of Fire. The Word of ______ [same deity] says in the book of ______ [funny-sounding name], chapter ______ [number], verse ______ [number], that they who ______ [action to be discouraged] shall be ______ [appropriate eternal agony]. It is my duty to love all ______ [same disliked class of people]; but it is for their own spiritual good that I think they should all be ______ [creative form of capital punish] and their children branded and cast out.

Firstly, I am not ______ [unpopular personal attribute], nor do I think I will ever become ______ [same unpopular personal attribute]. Frankly, I think being ______ [same unpopular personal attribute] is distasteful and somewhat icky. However, I will defend to the death every person's right to be ______ [same unpopular personal attribute] in the privacy of their own home. Probably they should not teach my children, but some of my best friends are still ______ [same unpopular personal attribute].

A healthy, free society cannot withstand or condone the presence of ______ [disliked "-ism"]. Furthermore, we must strive to eradicate ______ [same disliked "-ism"] wherever it occurs, here or abroad, and support the principles and vital interests of free market trickle-down capitalism. All too many well-meaning ______ [sympathetic class of people] are innocent tools of ______ [enemy nationality] aggression.

The only good ______ [disliked race of people] is a dead ______ [same disliked race of people]. They are in league with the ______ [disliked class of people] and the ______ [disliked religion] to destroy the integrity of my race. I read that they are behind an international banking conspiracy headed by Nelson Rockefeller (who isn't really dead!) and the United States shadow government. All ______ [same disliked race of people] should be electrocuted in boiling acid after watching their children being fed to dogs on national TV. So there!

Despite being consistently exposed to ______ [social mistreatment] because of my ______ [unpopular personal attribute], I pity those who see this as a stigma, as I have benefited greatly from my deformity, and see all the more clearly how to ______ [act of flagrant denial].

There is no supreme being, nor universal master plan. I am responsible for my own ______ [household maintenance activity]. And I answer only to myself. Therefore I shall ______ [personal indulgence] as much as I please, so long as I consistently ______ [personal hygiene activity]. Vote Libertarian in November!

Praise ______ [deity], who delivers us from ______ [enemy] by giving us access to incendiary armaments, and by blessing the faithful throughout their lives of self-denial and suffering at the hands of ______ [same enemy] and their complicit allies. The faithful will be rewarded by ______ [hedonistic activity] in ______ [location of afterlife] for sacrificing their lives to rid the world of all ______ [same enemy]. Praise ______ [same deity]!

I am not responsible for my actions because ______ [mystical beings] inhabit my ______ [body part or internal organ]. I am fortunate to be one of the select few members of ______ [organization] who understand the truth. I aspire to acquire worldly wealth so that I can donate it to ______ [same organization] in exchange for an opportunity to be judged a more self-aware person, and thereby more powerful in ______ [same organization], regardless of how insane our theology may seem to outsiders. I have not been brainwashed. Really. I'm serious.

Title: Insurance Claim Bloopers
Author: unknown
Category: Humor      Article: humor/006-InsuranceClaims
Posted Date: 15-Dec-2006      Created Date: unknown
David's Comments: More humor from my archives, dating back to the 1980s. This one is purported to have been published in the Toronto Sun.
Reader Comments: none
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Insurance Claim Bloopers

Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have had to summarize in a few words what happened, for insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken from some of those forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I do not have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I didn't see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured; but removing my hat I found I had a skull fracture.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced, old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passenger then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

Title: Sofa So Good
Author: David Wilhite
Category: Cartoon      Article: humor/005-SofaSoGood
Posted Date: 09-Jul-2006      Created Date: 09-Jul-2006
David's Comments: Based (loosely) on a real life event.
Reader Comments: none
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LCD - Lowest Common Denominator - cartoon series by David Wilhite
Sofa So Good
Harold ... ... Harold ... You hafta come see this. Millie, it's 2 a.m. What the #&%$ do you want?! It's a couple of guys with a truck. They're looking at the sofa we put out at the street ... I think they're gonna take it!


This cartoon is too large to place on the front page of the web site. The entire series is available here:
LCD: Sofa So Good - Web/HTML format
Title: If Programmers Built Houses
Author: David Wilhite
Category: Humor      Article: humor/004-IfProgrammersBuilt
Posted Date: 27-Jun-2006      Created Date: 1996
David's Comments: Being a long-time computer programmer myself, I have a right to poke fun at the profession. Looking back at the old technology references from ten years ago is an additional source of amusement for myself. WARNING: This document containts Dry Computer Geek Humor. You have been warned! Proceed at your own risk. Author assumes no liability for injury to your sense of humor.
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If Programmers Built Houses

If builders were to construct buildings
the way programmers write programs,
the first woodpecker to come along
would destroy civilization.
— author unknown
If computer programmers were to build houses, they might have accompanying HISTORY.TXT files similar to the following:


History of House
+ New feature
- Bug fix
Version 1.00
I know this release is 10 months overdue, but here it is! Sorry it was late, but you'll appreciate the extra time I took when you see all the features.
Version 1.01
+ Installed locks on outside doors, for those of you with security concerns.
- Hot/cold water lines reversed (sorry about those wilted tulips, Larry).
Version 1.10
- Reinforced sagging roof with angle supports.
Version 1.20
+ Replaced door knobs with some of my own design. Sorry, but Sphincter Enterprises bought the patent and demands payment for their design.
+ Removed secret entry through crawl space. Sorry, I didn't think anyone would find this.
+ Removed ATSR (Automatic Toilet Seat Raiser). Too many unfortunate malfunctions!
- Reinforced sagging roof with steel beams. I don't think we'll have anymore problems with this!
Version 1.21
- Revised door knob design. They were breaking off after a few months.
Version 1.30
+ You asked for it, you got it: carpet!
- The ceilings are cracking from the extra weight of the steel beams added in version 1.20. No work-around. Will try to correct in version 2.00.
Version 2.00
I know this release is 12 months overdue, but you'll like what I've added! After much consideration I've decided to raise the price. Sorry, but new features don't come free.
+ Second floor!
+ Two more bedrooms!
+ One more full bathroom!
+ Electronics throughout. Coax, twinax, and 25-wire cable run to every room.
Version 2.01
+ Closets for upstairs bedrooms.
- Added stairs to second floor. No need to use a ladder anymore!
- Hot/cold water lines reversed upstairs. Oops! neglected to add the corrections of 1.01 to the drawings (sorry for the scalded back, Larry)
Version 2.10
- Downstairs ceilings are cracking from the extra weight of the second floor. No work-around. Will try to correct in version 3.00.
- Reran electronics cables. Many had been cut by nails and sheetrock screws.
In a couple of months I'll be releasing version 3.00!
You're going to love the new features!
Title: Church Bulletin Bloopers
Author: unknown
Category: Humor      Article: humor/003-ChurchBulletins
Posted Date: 1-Jun-2006      Created Date: unknown
David's Comments: Here's some more humor from my archives. I don't know who wrote it, nor even how old it might be. And I can't vouch for the accuracy of the contents. But whether the material came from actual church bulletins or not, it'll give you a chuckle.
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Church Bulletin Bloopers

(names have been changed to protect the innocent)

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers' Club. All those wishing to become Little Mothers please meet the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

On Sunday there will be a special collection taken for defraying the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will please come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

The ritual, the music, and the massage will be presented by the youth.

Title: Dyslexic LBJ
Author: unknown
Category: Humor      Article: humor/002-DyslexicLBJ
Posted Date: 26-May-2006      Created Date: unknown
David's Comments: Dyslexics of the world, untie!
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How many light bulbs does it change to take a dyslexic?
Title: Disorder in the Court!
Author: unknown
Category: Humor      Article: humor/001-CourtRecords
Posted Date: 21-May-2006      Created Date: unknown
David's Comments: I've had this humor piece in my archives since about 1995. I believe it was circulating on the BBSes (bulletin board systems) of the time. I have no idea who wrote it, nor how old it might be. I also can't vouch for the veracity of the stories related here. But regardless of whether they really happened, I find them quite amusing.
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Disorder in the Court!

Most language is spoken language, and most words once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of court reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Court is now in session, and here are a few transcripts, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What is his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: What is your marital status?
A: Fair.

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.

Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at the time?
A: Attached to the ear.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?

Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Have you ever been arrested?
A: Yes.
Q: What for?
A: Aggravating a female.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Judge: Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike — temporarily insane.

Judge: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your mind if you have any.

Q: When he went, had you gone? And had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
A: (attourney) Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarthy, had you ever seen him prior to that time?

Judge: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open mind.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis' mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletcher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you stop an automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Have you ever beaten your wife?
A: No. I might slap her around a little, but I never beat her.

Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the son of a gun — and she did.

Q: And another reason that you didn't want to go out there was because you feared for your life?
A: Yes, I did.
Q: Why?
A: That's a rowdy neighborhood, and there are very, very bad persons that will do bodily harm and seriously kill someone.

Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
A: On the seat.
Q: I meant where in the street.

Q: (questioning a child) And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O.K.?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.

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copyright © 2006 David Wilhite, Camden SC USA